Talking Over and Over Again With Friends About a Negative Event or Problem

Nosotros all go upset from time to time—some of the states more than others. Whether we're sad about the loss of a loved one, angry at friends or family, or fearful about the state of the earth, it frequently feels good to permit it all out.

That's because sharing our emotions reduces our stress while making us feel closer to others we share with and providing a sense of belonging. When we open up our inner selves and people respond with sympathy, we feel seen, understood, and supported.

But "sharing" covers a lot of different modes of advice. Are some healthier than others, over the long run? Science suggests that it depends, in part, on how y'all share and how people respond to you lot. Expressing our emotions ofttimes to others may really make united states of america feel worse, especially if we don't find a way to gain some perspective on why nosotros feel the way we do and accept steps to soothe ourselves.

Why we vent

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Our emotions are valuable sources of information, alerting united states of america that something is incorrect in our environment and needs our attending. Whether we need to confront someone who's abusing us, hide to avert danger, or seek comfort from friends, feelings like anger, fear, and sadness help us prepare to meet the moment.

Just if feelings are internal signals, why practice we share them with others?

"Nosotros desire to connect with other people who can help validate what nosotros're going through, and venting really does a pretty practiced chore at fulfilling that need," says researcher Ethan Kross, author of the book Chatter. "Information technology feels good to know there's someone there to rely on who cares enough to take fourth dimension to listen."

Sharing our feelings also provides an opportunity to proceeds insight into what'due south causing our difficult feelings and avert time to come upsets. Sometimes, just verbalizing what'due south bothering us to another person helps to clarify the situation and name the emotions involved. Or, if nosotros get caught in emotional whirlwinds, our confidants can provide new perspectives and offer sound advice, says Kross.

Unfortunately, this latter office of the equation often gets lost in the shuffle, he adds.

"When we go stuck in a venting session, it feels skillful in the moment, because we're connecting with other people," he says. "But if all we do is vent, nosotros don't accost our cognitive needs, also. We aren't able to make sense of what we're experiencing, to make meaning of it."

So, while venting may be expert for building supportive relationships and feel adept in the moment, it's not enough to assist us through. If others simply listen and empathize, they may inadvertently extend our emotional upset.

The night side of venting

For many years, psychologists believed that dark emotions, similar acrimony, needed to be released physically. This led to a movement to "let it all out," with psychologists literally telling people to hit soft objects, like pillows or punching bags, to release pent-upward feelings.

It turns out, however, that this type of emotional venting likely doesn't soothe anger as much equally augment information technology. That's because encouraging people to human activity out their acrimony makes them relive it in their bodies, strengthening the neural pathways for anger and making it easier to get angry the side by side time effectually. Studies on venting anger (without effective feedback), whether online or verbally, have likewise found information technology to be more often than not unhelpful.

The aforementioned is truthful of grief or feet following trauma. While we should of course seek support from those around us during difficult times of loss and pain, if nosotros but relive our experience without finding some style to soothe ourselves or find meaning, information technology could extend our suffering.

For some time, people who worked with trauma victims encouraged them to "debrief" afterward, having them talk through what happened to them to ward off mail service-traumatic stress. Only a randomized controlled study found that this didn't assist much, probable considering debriefing doesn't help distance people from their trauma. Similarly, students who vented their anxiety after 9/11 suffered from more feet upward to 4 months later than those who didn't. As the written report authors write, their "focus on and venting of emotions was establish to exist uniquely predictive of longer-term anxiety."

Venting through social media tin can do the aforementioned thing. In one written report, researchers surveyed students attending Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois University after mass shootings occurred at each campus to meet how venting their grief over social media helped them recover. While students thought that venting was beneficial, their post-traumatic stress and low scores actually went up the more they vented.

Talking and listening with care

Besides making us experience worse, venting can also accept a negative issue on our audience.

While supportive friends and family hopefully care enough to listen and sympathize with united states of america, it can exist frustrating to sit with someone who vents frequently when that person seems to be wallowing in emotion without learning from their experience. And being effectually someone stuck in anger, fear, or sadness cycles tin can be overwhelming for listeners who may finish upwardly "communicable" the emotions themselves.

"Repeatedly venting over and over and again, can create friction in social relationships," says Kross. "There's often a limit to how much listeners, your friends, tin actually hear."

I know that I am guilty of wanting someone to listen to me when I'm upset—and non wanting advice right off the bat. If I'one thousand in the midst of pain, trying to talk me out of my feelings or to offer pat solutions seems insensitive or even patronizing.

However, Kross doesn't advocate for that. Instead, he says, in that location's an fine art to being a listener. It takes a combination of empathy or sympathy—and waiting for the right moment earlier offering perspective.

"People are going to differ, depending on what they're dealing with, how intense their experiences are," he says. "Beingness sensitive to the fact that some people may demand more time before they're ready to transition from venting to thinking is actually important."

Skillful venting

In that location is a healthier way to vent, Kross says. He suggests these guidelines:

Be selective about when you vent. There are lots of ways to deal with difficult emotions, and not all of them involve other people. Some people can proceeds perspective on their own, past writing their thoughts down or gaining distance from them through meditation. Kross recommends changing your environment to help y'all process emotions and tamp down rumination that might otherwise continue yous stuck in an emotional whirlwind.

When you vent to others, prompt them to offer perspective. If you observe yourself venting to someone without your emotions dissipating (or perhaps getting worse), you may be caught in a cycle of "co-rumination"—a rehashing that tin can continue you stuck. To go out of that, you tin can enquire the person to step dorsum and aid you reframe your feel by asking, "How should I think about this differently?" or "What should I do in this situation?" This will cue them to offer perspective and assure them that you're looking for something more than a listening ear.

Consider to whom you vent. Before venting to someone, ask yourself, "Did this person actually aid me the last time I talked to them, or did they simply make me feel worse?" If someone is there for yous, but doesn't tend to broaden your perspective, you may just get more than stirred upwardly emotionally. Being more deliberate almost who y'all vent to could help you lot in the long run.

Be careful around online venting. While sharing our emotions online can help united states of america feel better in the moment and identify supportive allies, results tin can exist mixed. For one thing, negative emotions easily spread online, which may create a herd mentality, resulting in bullying or trolling—specially if y'all place a particular person as responsible for your feelings. While it'south unclear if venting online is an overall good or bad thing, it may not help you gain the perspective you need to move forward.

Nonetheless, all in all, Kross says venting is a good affair, helping us cope. If nosotros can go by the letting off steam part, we tin feel meliorate in the long run and keep our relationships strong, too.

"Venting serves some function," he says. "Information technology has benefits for the self in terms of satisfying our social and emotional needs. Nosotros just need to find out what the right dosage is and make certain to offer to supplement that with cognitive reframing."

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Source: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_venting_your_feelings_actually_help